That's a short excerpt from a typical round of F**K The Game – the party card game that combines colours and swear words with good old-fashioned psychological mind-f*ckery.
Here's how to play:
Players take turns to flip over a card and yell out what they see. Depending on the nature of the card, you might have to say the background colour, the text colour or a swear word. You keep turning cards over and shouting until someone f*cks up and picks up the pile. The winner is the first player to get rid of all their cards.
It sounds relatively straightforward, but the cards employ a psychological phenomenon known as the 'Stroop effect'. In short, it massively messes with your head and slows down your brain's responses. No matter how quick-witted you think you are, this game will catch you out.
There are three extended instructions cards so once you’ve mastered the basics you can take the game to the next level by introducing a whole host of new rules – you can even create your own.
And they're therapeutic for both men and women!
When the moment strikes, just give these balls a pulverising squeeze and know that if this was real life, the owner of the testicles would be paralysed with fear and pain, dry-heaving and wishing for a swift death. What a calming thought.
Stop playing trouser billiards like a mucky little ape! It might feel wonderfully relaxing but it's horrific to watch. Keep your hands off your – in all probability – unwashed balls and relieve yourself with this rubber prosthesis instead.*
*although don't stop checking them for lumps n' that. Maybe do it in the shower.
Complete with three different mini-LPs, this turntable is truly teeny, tiny, and bags of fun. Just slot one of the ‘records’ onto the pin and give it a spin to hear 70s funk, classic rock, or a bit of good ol’ fashioned jazz.
But the fun doesn’t stop there - you can even customise it using the included stickers or swot up on your music history with the included 32 page book of fun facts about the best records of all time.
It’s even better than a real record player! Certainly cheaper, anyway.
This miniature marvel features Santa Clause atop his bright red sleigh, pulled by four of his fastest reindeers, along with a big sack of prezzies in the back, naturally. Three sets of powerful mini propellers keep Saint Nick afloat while you can easily manoeuvre him about with the included radio control.
You could whizz him past your children's bedroom window on Christmas eve to blow their minds, or you could fly him through the house to guide them to their presents on Christmas day! He even makes the perfect airborne accompaniment to a wintery walk. Happy festive flying!
No need to retrieve these fecal floating fellas from your bathtub. These adorable racing floaters are a solid source of bathtime entertainment, just wind them up and watch the little turbo-charged turds race across the water.
Meet Plush Organs, the cute and cuddly version of all your favourite innards. Just look at their adorably demented little faces!
Whether it's a daft in-joke between friends, an educational toy, a good luck charm or a post-op celebration – these award-winning plushes are the perfect gutsy gift
In all seriousness these lil' guys have been helping people laugh in the face of terrible illnesses since 2005! Don't clutter up someone's bedside table with another boring 'get well' card – cheer them up with a cheeky Plush Organ!
If your forehead aches from glaring angrily from behind your face mask – you need the Social Distancing Zapper!
This pocket telescopic tool extends to six feet (including your arm) and administers a cheeky 4.5 volt zap to any moron foolish enough to venture into your personal space.
No need to get into a pointless debate about COVID-19 with a total stranger – just ZAP!
Introducing the Finger Dance Machine.
It's exactly as it sounds, a classic retro-style dance machine... for your fingers! All you have to do is install the free Finger Dance Game app on your smartphone and then connect it wirelessly to the machine – you'll be shaking that pinky and gyrating those knuckle joints in no time. The app includes heaps of tunes, all with different complexities and speeds that are guaranteed to trip up even the most dextrous digits.
What better way to
Now you can recreate that youthful exuberance and unhinged joy from the comfort of... your toilet!
The waterproof and slip-proof Toilet Piano Mat rolls out flat to reveal a set of large, foot-friendly piano keys for you to stomp upon. Perfect for having a casual tinkle, honing your musical abilities, passing the time, or just drowning out a chorus of earth-shattering flatulence.
The creators have even thrown in a song book and handy 'Do Not Disturb' sign - you know, for when you're composing your next movement.
Our COVID-19 Vaccine Plush is finally ready to be rolled out to the public. It has no known side effects and you can enjoy as many doses as you please – in fact, we encourage you to share the vaccine with your friends and family!
Don't get too excited though, our cute and cuddly vaccine is only effective against the lesser-known plush Covid variant. Huge shout out to all the universities, companies, non-profits, governments, and our amazing NHS who have all helped turn the real vaccines around in record-breaking time.
But every now again we find ourselves getting a hankering for some seriously old-school pursuits – like Axe Throwing.
The Small Viking Axe Throwing Game downscales this timeless activity to a more manageable size so you can enjoy it at home (ideally in the garden!). The set comes with three dinky little axes as well as a chunky tree stump target for you to hang up and hurl them into.
Don't let their size fool you, the axes are still super sharp with plenty of heft to them. And after extensive play-testing, we can confirm that they are exceedingly satisfying to throw!
So what are you waiting for? Gather your best mates, get the mead flowing, the mutton roasting and the axes flying!